Thursday, 18 July 2013

How To Deal With...... First Impressions

How To Deal With...... First Impressions

Dear people who read my blog and never comment....... *Multiple tumbleweeds and serious face*,

It seems to me that first impressions are not something that everyone is good at. It could be for various reasons. You are shy, there is an accident, You have no idea how to be a normal human being but first impressions usually are important. It is human nature to judge people and often a first impression can get you the job and make new friends.

Now you don't have to be an Anne Hathaway and be always perfect and smiling (Thanks for making the rest of us look bad Anne) but no one wants to go stand next to the guy who looks like he is planning on how to chloroform you. So try smiling at least once near people. If they aren't funny then just remember in your head that Justin Bieber thinks he is cool. That will make anyone laugh!

Also don't some across as needy. No one likes the person who asks a million questions and wants every possible way ever to contact you and where you live. That is normal in case you are wondering. Play it cool not desperate. Usually you have the problem of not shutting up and letting someone speak so if worse comes to worse, shut up and count to ten before you start a new conversation in case someone has something to say.

To the people who wear Diadora or Burberry, you have already failed your first impression. Get new clothes or get off my blog.

The most important thing like I always say is to be confident in yourself and show others why they should talk to you more or give you that job because no one will accept you until you do. So with that in mind,

Here are my three ways to make a good first impression.

1) Be yourself so you don't have to pretend all the time.

2)Listening is just as important as talking.

3)Don't try and take a piece of their hair for cloning. People generally do not like that.

How To Deal With.......Miley Cyrus- We Can't Stop

How To Deal With.......Miley Cyrus- We Can't Stop

Dear Readers,
I have stopped my busy schedule of not blogging and complaining about the heat to talk about a serious issue affecting our world *Cue Dramatic Music*......Come on, we all saw it coming. It is time for me to review the video for Miley Cyrus- We Can't Stop. Yay?

For those fortunate enough not to have watched it, the video shows what appears to be the inside of Amanda Bynes' mind. It involves doll kissing, twerking, fake mutilation, teddy bears and Miley wearing a grill. This is before we take the lyrics into account! It honestly seems like Miley just asked the director to make her not be remembered as Hannah Montana and give her father a cardiac arrest.

Miss Cyrus obviously is trying hard to be edgy and frequently jumps on anything that moves (or doesn't move) in the video. I am not joking. She touches boys, girls and barbie dolls. All while wearing trousers which means this video should not be shown before 10pm. I am going to skip the grill because actually saying how hard I facepalmed after seeing her wearing about 50kg of gold in her mouth would give me a headache remembering it.

One of the first things that came to mind watching this video is "Why is there a skull made out of chips" but then I realised that was one of the least stupid things about this video. My theory is that they fused together a trashy Lady Gaga and an Albino Rihanna in a nuclear fusion reactor and it made whatever Miley is trying to be.

Another thing, she has killed twerking. I was one of the people who was pleasantly surprised when she did her original twerking video but now it is as old and tired as Madonna. I have seriously had enough of her mentioning she can twerk every five seconds. You're not Black. GET OVER IT. She thinks that by wearing a grill and by mentioning "Molly" that she is cool and urban? Billy Ray Cyrus needs to give her a time out instead of hiding wherever he has slithered off to. Miley needs to realise that she has a young fan base so by acting trashy and mentioning drugs then she is giving out a horrible message. In fact I formally apologise to Ke$ha because at least you are who you are.

So here are my three things to take away from this post.

1) The video is terrible. Just terrible.

2) The song actually isn't bad even though the lyrics seemed like they are written by a ten year old.

3) Who owns a grill in 2013?

Saturday, 6 July 2013

How To Deal With.......Katie Hopkins

How To Deal With.......Katie Hopkins

Now you might be wondering who or what deserves an actual blog post that needs a warning, well here is the answer - Katie Hopkins. To those unfamiliar with Mrs Hopkins latest contribution to society , have a read of this 

As you can see here, Mrs Hopkins is quite a glaring throwback to the days before Man made the wheel yet she still has the idiocy to continue her ignorant tirade on Twitter. Aside from the fact that she looks like she came straight out of a certain movie *Cough* White Chicks *Cough*, the fact she has the audacity to go out in public confirms that she is just a poorly educated, bigoted attention seeking so and so. *At least I am keeping it family friendly*

The whole idea of a name defining who you are or how intelligent you are is ironically a stupid statement and I can't even say it is outdated because I have no idea when it ever was true! If Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby has to be the voice of reason in one of your "opinions" then you really need to take a good hard look at yourself. I don't even know why we are surprised. This is from the same mind that said Big isn't beautiful and she wouldn't hire an overweight person.

If the upper class, as she so eloquently puts it, is so amazing then how are they capable of producing people like her? The class system is not going to improve with people like her running around without a muzzle that she so desperately.

Or to be tranquillised.

Now there are three things you can do when dealing with insects like her:

1) Do the right thing and ignore them so they will stop saying stupid things for attention

2) You can tell them that they are being ridiculous and bigoted but they probably won't listen.  At least you feel better afterwards.

3) Make a deal with North Korea and nuke them.

How To Deal With......Beginnings

How To Deal With......Beginnings

Yes you have learnt something already..... You have learnt that there is a meme for everything! Oh yeah, the actual blog post is below.

Life never stays the same no matter how much you want it to. It is full of endings and beginnings. Whether it's the end of school or the end of a delicious cake (RIP Cake....... *Moment of silence*) or the beginning of a new job or starting a new COD Black Ops campaign, something that should never be taken lightly, change is all around us and it's a big part of our lives. Some people naturally get out there, accept it and embrace change.

Some people refuse to accept change and hide under their beds with a giant tub of ice cream..... But you know, whatever works for you I guess.

Yes change is a very scary thing and not everybody likes changing their routine up because it has worked for them this far. Like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. However since you people most likely don't have a PhD in theoretical physics, you have to accept it. And to those few people who do actually have a PhD in theoretical physics - I have no idea why you are reading this blog.

Sure it is exhausting trying to find things to talk about with new people and smiling so that you don't seem like an antisocial weirdo who would rather play World of Warcraft than talk to actual people. Not that there is something wrong with that, other than the fact that there is something seriously wrong with that but it will always pay off in the long haul to try and enjoy whatever has changed in your life as much as possible.

So if you want to become like the meme below

then here are my three tips to help you deal with beginnings.

1) Offer people cake to make them like you!!! Actually that is terrible advice but try and talk to people first instead of keeping to yourself, chances are everyone else is nervous too.

2) Be yourself because if you try and be someone you are not then people will find out and then you will have no friends.

3) If neither of those work then as a last resort, make two or three friends and never leave them alone like I have known a few people to do =|

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

How To Deal With Hipsters

How To Deal With.............Hipsters

Hipsters. Those people who intentionally dress like they don't care and hate everything that society does so they set out to do everything before the rest of us and then years after everyone has moved on because it makes them "cool".

You can easily identify a hipster as they most definitely stand out in a crowd. The most common features they have are thick nerdy glasses (even though they don't need glasses), a scarf for no apparent reason, clothes that either look disheveled or 15 years out of fashion and a sense of superiority to the rest of us "capitalists" which I imagine is only an insult to communists.

The problem I have with hipsters is that they try so hard to be different and not mainstream that they have created a whole  trend in itself making them actually the mainstream ones (HA). Also I have no idea what they are actually rebelling against by listening to "alternative" music and eating organic food. So you can be awkward - good for you? Why don't you go save the environment (which is important people!! Seriously, recycle or something!) or get a  meaningful job instead of taking pictures and changing the camera to black and white so that it's "art"?

They are pretentious and obviously not the most intelligent for thinking that the rest of us actually care enough to want to know what they think or that we care that you are so ahead of the trend.Congratulations!!! Your prize is everyone bullies you and mocking you wherever you go! Well done!

Being weird and different is obviously a good thing and you should embrace who you are but making sure that you are so different that everyone notices is just trying too hard and that's just not the right way to go about it.

So here are three things to take from this post:

1) Watching shows like Pokemon doesn't make you a hipster, I'm not sure why everyone seems to think this nowadays.

2) No outsider really gets being a hipster but if you are one, don't judge other people for being one and then they wont judge you in return.

3) No I'm not a hipster for making a blog in 2013..............Shut up

Sunday, 30 June 2013

How To Deal With Skyfall

How To Deal With......Skyfall


By now everyone has heard of and loved Skyfall, James Bonds 23rd outing, directed by Sam Mendes and starring Daniel Craig as James Bond and Adele singing the epic theme song, which has been the subject of many cringeworthy puns that I will not create eyerolls by repeating.

The film follows Bond as he deals with what can only be described as a mega mid-life crisis. Which when you think about is more justified than buying a sports car or dating much younger women considering he gets shot during an amazing action sequence in the first 10 minutes.

Oh yeah.......... This includes spoilers....*Awkward silence* but if you haven't seen this film yet then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you.

Anyway the film revolves around Bond's recovery and rebirth as an older wiser agent and features him doing what he does best. Daniel Craig proves he can do much more than waddle out of the ocean in this darker, smarter role as 007 - seriously there is more angst in the first hour of this film than the first 4 series of Skins - and he is complimented by a fine supporting cast. With a new Q, a new Moneypenny and a new M, the whole team is bigger and badder and definitely deserves to be after facing the villain Silva played by Javier Bardem who manages to pull of the very unhinged but smart villain which is better than previous ones who seem like Sharpay from High School Musical compared to this mastermind.

Naturally all the things that make Bond the number 1 of being awesome, Ethan Hunt and Jason Bourne can suck it, and only equaled by Indiana Jones *Heavenly Music* are included in the movie like beating up thugs, fast cars and killer action sequences, women and one of those women dying...........Not one of the things that make it great but you get the drift. 

The only thing that would make this movie greater would be being given free food and one of the cars 007 gets to drive just so you can sit in the garage and feel the fan blowing on your face. Yeah I'm too young to drive so that's as good as it gets. 

Anyway instead of my usual three things, I'm only going to give you two reasons to watch Skyfall.

1)  It is easily the best Bond film yet and is just all degrees of amazing.

2) I told you to.

Attention Seekers

How To Deal With.....Attention Seekers

Attention Seekers. 

The most annoying group of people to ever walk the face of the Earth. Everyone knows one. Those kind of people that always update or talk about how fat and ugly they are and how no one will ever love them - *insert crying face* - and fish for compliments so deep you just want to tell them it's all going to get better.....

Or hit them with a brick.

I'm going to let you in on a secret here : No one likes an attention seeker. Not only will you come across as desperate, annoying and pathetic but you will make whoever you are talking to feel like North Korea should just nuke us and put them out of their misery. Don't get me wrong, people can be insecure and have low self esteem but wanting everyone you know to tell you that you are amazing is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *pause for breath* oooooooooo stupid, not to mention pathetic!!!!

Ok, so you're weird or ugly or fat or stupid (or in other words, a real life troll) but embrace what you are and make it your own. Get a new weave or new clothes or exercise a little or get friends but don't be desperate. If you have to start conversations and restart them when the other person stops talking, you need to get a life or change it up a little.

So if you are reading this and you think you are an attention seeker, here are three things you can do to become a well liked and respected member of the community :

1) Become More Confident With A New Look Or New Attitude

2) Get New Friends Who Like You For You

If these things don't seem to work and you still upload crying faces onto social media then here's the last fool proof way to change..........

3) Don't Talk To Me Ever